This story about the ten virgins is a strange one, and I confess I’ve often judged the so-called wise virgins as stingy with their oil. The other five need some, and sharing is good, right? As I sit with this story now, though, there’s something that feels familiar about the way the five foolish ones ask for the oil. I look again how the wise women respond to them, and I wonder if they might have some wisdom to offer me.

For reasons I don’t understand, these ten women are tasked with waiting up for a bridegroom and lighting his way into a wedding feast. In order to do that, they need an adequate amount of lamp oil. Half of them take this responsibility seriously and prepare well, and half of them flake out. When it’s crunch time, the foolish ones turn to the responsible ones and basically ask them to make up for their lack. The wise women say no. They’ve taken responsibility for themselves, and when the others insist that they take responsibility for them too, they refuse. They’re not being selfish; they’re keeping a boundary. Wise women indeed.

I totally identify with the responsible women, and this story feels a lot like the Group Project Hell I experienced in school. You know what I mean, right? The teacher would assign a project and put us all into groups, and some worked hard and some didn’t. Then everyone in the group either got a good grade because of the hard-working students or a bad grade because the slackers dragged everyone down. I was not one to settle for a bad grade, so I would persevere with the other hard-working group members, and we would bring the slackers with us. I have tended to take responsibility for myself, and when someone comes along who’s not dependable, sometimes I’ve taken responsibility for them too. I give them all of my oil, figuratively speaking, and then feel depleted. Even if we all get good grades, though, that’s a foolish thing to do.

Being wise about boundaries has been a life-long challenge for me. Sometimes it’s because I genuinely want to be generous to people in need, but it can also be a people-pleasing thing to do or the path of least resistance. Sometimes it’s easier just to give in. However, when I don’t protect my boundaries, or when I take responsibility for other people, I’m not taking good care of myself. Also, it’s not just about doing it all myself. Even if I have plenty of oil, there’s a dark side to being a wise person trying to light the way on my own. In our parable, there’s not just one bridesmaid carrying all the extra oil; there are five. Together they complete the thing they’re called to do. Asking for help is another form of self-care. Like our wise virgins, I don’t expect others to be responsible for me, but I don’t have to light up the world on my own either.

These wise women remind me of some other wisdom I found in Brené Brown’s podcast Unlocking Us. She talks about cultivating a “strong back, soft front, and wild heart,” which means standing up for ourselves and showing up as we are while also staying open and generous to other people. It’s cultivating a balance of self-protection and generosity to others. Here’s Brené Brown quoting Buddhist teacher Roshi Joan Halifax, who originated this practice:

“All too often our so-called strength comes from fear, not love. Instead of having a strong back, many of us have a defended front shielding a weak spine. . . . If we strengthen our backs, metaphorically speaking, and develop a spine that’s flexible but sturdy, then we can risk having a front that’s soft and open. How can we give and accept care with strong back, soft front compassion, moving past fear to a place of genuine tenderness? I believe it comes when we can be truly transparent, seeing the world clearly and letting the world see into us.”

Wow. That’s some wisdom. So, it’s more than what I do when tasked with a group project; it’s about how I am in the world. This practice calls me to belong to myself first and to speak and live my truth, not sacrificing that to please or appease others. I’m responsible for living this way. No one can do it for me, and I can’t do this for someone else either. Each of us has to take responsibility for our own spiritual lives.

Our wise bridesmaids seem to have strong backs and soft fronts too. They hold true to their boundaries with their foolish counterparts but are also generous to the bridegroom. They stay through the night and are prepared to light the way when he arrives. They have a job to do, and they do it. It’s not about the other five or even about the bridegroom. They take responsibility for themselves. Their goal is to enter the feast, and when it’s time, they do.

Jesus, who’s both genuine and generous, someone with a strong back and a soft front, tells this story to let people know that they need to take responsibility for their spiritual lives. No one can do that for us. We each need to be attentive and responsible, open to God, and true to ourselves. If we discern well, we’ll know whether life circumstances call for generosity or for setting a boundary.

So, be wise, everyone. Strengthen your back, soften your heart, and be attentive to the presence of God.

For reflection:

• With whom do you identify in this story? Are you a wise or foolish bridesmaid?

• How are you with boundaries? Do you tend to err on the side of giving in to other people or being more rigid with boundaries?

• Which is more challenging, a strong back or a soft front, and which comes more naturally to you?

• What is God saying to you through this story?

By Sister Leslie Keener, CDP

Sister Leslie Keener, CDP is the director of God Space, a community-building spirituality ministry in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky. She’s a Sister of Divine Providence with a Masters in Ministry and a Certificate in Spiritual Direction and Retreats from Creighton University. She directs retreats, meets with people for spiritual direction, and serves as the vocation director for her community. She enjoys music, dancing, spicy food, and meaningful conversations.