Love and Civility
/“The LORD said to Moses,
’Speak to the whole Israelite community and tell them:
Be holy, for I, the LORD, your God, am holy.
’You shall not bear hatred for your brother or sister in your heart.
Though you may have to reprove your fellow citizen,
do not incur sin because of them.
Take no revenge and cherish no grudge against any of your people.
You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
I am the LORD.’”
I used to think this reading from Leviticus was about civility. We’ve been living in a divided, contentious political climate for years now, and so the idea of people being polite to each other sounds pretty good to me. Wouldn’t it be great if people could learn to “reprove [our] fellow citizen” kindly? And yet, we know that God calls us to love, so I wonder if, actually, we can do better than mere civility. A few years ago I went to an Intercommunity Justice and Peace event called Lifting Up the Voices of Black Women, and that challenged me to reconsider civility as a goal. At that program, in the context of meaningful conversation, I encountered this quote from an activist named Christina Brown:
Individuals and organizations of varying political persuasions lately have called on candidates and elected officials, as well as the public at large, to express their political differences in a way that restores civility to the public discourse. . . . But focusing on civility . . . is an expression of privilege, whether it be economic status, gender, race, ability, or so on. In short, the most civil defense of oppressive beliefs will not save us as a nation.
This quote made me realize that it is a privilege to have the choice to speak out or remain silent. For the most part, I have that choice, but some people don’t. If what we’re trying to maintain is politeness, we can shut down or shut out some people’s voices. Civility keeps people comfortable, but truth-telling helps us to grow, even if it makes us feel uncomfortable. If my desire for civility means silencing someone who has something important to say, or allowing oppressive beliefs and systems to persist, then it’s not the answer. I’m not saying we should scream at each other, but it seems we’re called to more than just politeness. In fact, this passage from Leviticus doesn’t mention civility at all. Rather, it calls us to holiness and love of neighbor. The Gospel takes it even further to include love of enemies. Love and holiness move us beyond civility to something deeper, and that’s a good thing, even if it brings with it a healthy dose of discomfort from time to time. The Gospel, the Good News of Jesus Christ, is not the Gospel of Civility, and in fact, nice, civil, and polite are not really Gospel values at all.
The love that the Gospel calls us to is a holy, gritty kind of love that encompasses neighbors and enemies, as well as ourselves. To me, that call means acknowledging my own privilege, making room for people with less privilege, and really listening to each other. That can feel uncomfortable, but holy love does not necessarily feel comfortable. Sometimes I might misspeak and get corrected by someone who knows more than I do or whose life experiences are different than mine. That’s uncomfortable too, but correction can be a loving thing, even if it doesn’t feel good in the moment. I grow from that experience and, hopefully, get it right the next time. It’s not the responsibility of marginalized people to educate people with privilege, but for those who feel called to do so, it feels like a loving, albeit hard, thing to do, and so I want to receive feedback in a loving way too.
I also think about how civility can silence me and take away my voice when it comes to speaking up. I come from a family that tends to lean into politeness and avoid saying hard or challenging things. However, sometimes hard things need to be said. Challenging someone can be way to love my neighbor, and standing up for myself and my own needs can be a self-loving thing to do. Civility, niceness, politeness — there are times that call for these passive stances, but there are also moments when the deeper invitation is to speak the truth, difficult though it may be.
It seems to me that this kind of holy love invites brave self-reflection and courageous action. Self-reflection helps me to check in with my own thoughts and feelings and to notice the ones that aren’t so loving. Action moves me toward Gospel living and becoming more Christ-like. In our reading from Matthew, Jesus shows us what love of enemies can look like. At first glance, it seems very passive. Jesus even says, “Offer no resistance.” However, when I take a closer look, Jesus’ directives to turn the other cheek, walk an extra mile, and give up a cloak are actually forms of resistance. They don’t necessarily take away personal power, but they do challenge oppression in nonviolent ways. Nonviolent resistance is a loving thing to do for self, neighbor, and enemy.
Holy love calls me to move outside of my comfortable bubble so that what I speak and hear is not an echo chamber of what I already believe but a space of genuine listening, dialogue, and growth. “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” is a terribly difficult call to follow. However, the more we pray for people we think of as enemies, the more we open ourselves to their humanity. The more we open to them, the more they become neighbors rather than enemies. The more we love our neighbors, not just politely accepting everything people say but also challenging each other, the more we love and respect ourselves too. So, let’s love people and seek to be holy, as God is holy.
For reflection:
Have you ever acted for the sake of politeness but missed a chance to speak the truth? What was that like? Did you grow at all from that experience? Where was God?
Have you ever had the experience of someone speaking truth to you, of having your mind and heart changed? What was that like? How did you grow from that experience, and where was God in it?
Who are you struggling to love right now? What’s God’s invitation for you in this challenge?
What truth is God speaking in your heart right now? Maybe take some time and sit in silence and allow God to speak to your heart.
By Sister Leslie Keener, CDP
Sister Leslie Keener, CDP is the director of God Space, a community-building spirituality ministry in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky. She’s a Sister of Divine Providence with a Masters in Ministry and a Certificate in Spiritual Direction and Retreats from Creighton University. She directs retreats, meets with people for spiritual direction, and serves as the vocation director for her community. She also serves on the Coordinating Council of Spiritual Directors International. She enjoys music, meaningful conversations, and justice and peace.