To Whom Shall We Go?

When I listen to this story from John, there are two feelings that I come away with — sadness and relief. I feel sad for Jesus because so many of his disciples desert him when they find his teaching hard. They return to their former way of life and no longer accompany him. Ouch. I also feel relief because those closest to him choose to stay. Peter finally says something right, God bless his heart. In fact, he says the best thing he could say in this moment: “To whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and are convinced that you are the Holy One of God.” Peter not only understands his teaching, but he understands the person of Jesus, at least, in that moment. Later he won’t be so thoughtful, but now, as he confirms who Jesus is by the words of life he offers, Peter affirms Jesus too.

You know, we don’t often see Jesus in a tender moment like this one. Usually, he’s in full command. His preaching is honest and bold, and he says what he needs to say to challenge the naysayers. In this moment, though, after he’s been teaching his heart out about things that are important to him, his followers decide that it’s just too hard. And instead of challenging him or asking more questions or giving it any kind of discernment, they just leave. They kind of break up with him when they feel challenged. I feel his vulnerability when he turns to those closest to him and asks, “Do you also want to leave?” Thank God they stick with him.

At this point, Jesus has experienced some loss in his life. After the nativity stories and the one about Jesus lost and found in the Temple, we hardly hear anything about his family. Maybe they’re around all the time and we just don’t hear about it, or maybe they’ve deserted him too. Besides his immediate family, he also lost John the Baptist, his mentor and friend, and that loss was a real heartache. So, it seems like his disciples are his people, his chosen family, his community. I’m guessing that when some of them leave, that hurts.

And I think many of us have also experienced some losses in life. I’ve had friendships end for one reason or another. Sometimes I know the reason and sometimes I don’t, which can feel bewildering and sad. Over the last few years, the political climate in the United States has been so toxic that some families and friends have struggled to stay close and not allow their disagreements end of their relationships. Sadly, some relationships have ended or become distant. There are a thousand other reasons why relationships might end. Experiencing loss is part of the human experience, and my heart goes out to Jesus in this story. And when Peter affirms him, I feel Jesus’s relief and love for Peter. He’s not going anywhere. Thank God.

So, yes, I feel for Jesus in this story, but at the same time, I can’t help but to feel sympathy for the disciples too, even the ones who leave. I can think of times in my life when my faith became hard, and I thought about walking away from it. I also think about the larger exodus from church, like when everything came out about clergy abuse in the Catholic Church. That was really hard for people. A deep trust was broken on so many levels. I know I looked toward the door, and some others walked through it never to return. I understand why.

Also, there have been times in my life when things just felt hard, and it seemed like God was nowhere to be found. Those moments were less about church and more about my own spiritual struggle. Especially in my younger years when my faith was not very rooted, it was hard to see God present in my life. When things got hard, I wanted to walk away. In fact, I think I tried to walk away. However, someone always showed up to support me, and in that way, God showed up too. When I thought all was lost and I was lost, help always emerged. So then, I don’t know to whom I could have gone. For me, like Peter, Christ had the words of eternal life.

These situations are very different than why Jesus’s followers choose to leave, but still. It also occurs to me that, even though there’s a lot of desertion in this Gospel reading, we don’t really know the end of the story for each of those who left. Maybe they went home only to return. Maybe they came back at the crucifixion, at that moment of crisis. Or after the resurrection. Or even just along the way, after they had given his difficult teaching a little more thought and found that they missed him. Maybe they left, but not really, like those who have left the institutional church but still live their faith very deeply. Maybe others are like me, and they too think of leaving, even say they’re going to, only to work it out, wait patiently, and find reasons to stay.

Really, whether we stay or go, God is still with us. All those times when I felt like God had abandoned me turned out to be moments of presence where, looking back, I can see that God was still accompanying me, still with me, still loving me. So, Christ accompanies us, and we accompany Christ in the company of each other. Yes, sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes we don’t want to persevere, but somehow, by the grace of God, we do. How could we not? To whom shall we go? Christ, you have the words of everlasting life.

For Reflection:

• Can you resonate with that feeling of loss or being abandoned by someone you care about? How was God with you in that experience? Looking back, can you see God’s love and presence?

• Has there ever been a time when you felt like walking out the door and leaving — maybe the church or a community or your faith? Maybe a relationship? What did you do? Did you stay or go? What helped you to make that decision, and how was God with you?

• Maybe you could take some time and talk all this over with God and see what God has to say to you.

By Sister Leslie Keener, CDP

Sister Leslie Keener, CDP is the director of God Space, a community-building spirituality ministry in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky. She’s a Sister of Divine Providence with a Masters in Ministry and a Certificate in Spiritual Direction and Retreats from Creighton University. She directs retreats, meets with people for spiritual direction, and serves as the vocation director for her community. She enjoys music, meaningful conversations, and dancing.