Relatives, Chosen Families, and All of the Above
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When you look up the liturgical readings for the Feast of the Holy Family this Sunday, you’ll see a variety of options, which, to me, is fitting. There are lots of ways that people live family life today.
One reading presents ideals of family life that reflect traditional gender roles. Another encourages us to “bear with” each other and “put on love,” good advice for any family or community. Then we get to the Gospel, and it’s the story of Simeon and Anna, two holy people who each recognize the infant Jesus as the Christ for whom they’ve been waiting. Praising God, Simeon says, “For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you prepared in sight of all the peoples, a light for revelation to the Gentiles, and glory for your people Israel.”
As I wade through all of these options, I appreciate how we’re given lots of lenses through which to examine family life. Some of our families may be traditional. Some may be unique. Some of us think about family as the one we’re born or adopted into, the one we were raised in. Others think of the people gathered around us in love and friendship, a chosen family connected by relationship rather than by blood.
I’m lucky to have both kinds of families. By God’s Providence (or luck) I was born into a good family, one that has also welcomed other people into our fold. I have an aunt who taught in Ghana a long time ago, and she has had several of her students come to visit. When I was little, I remember feeling so excited when she’d bring them to our family gatherings. I, too, have brought guests to family things from time to time. When I was a campus minister, sometimes international students, who were still on campus during the holidays, would come to Christmas Eve with my extended family. I always felt proud of the welcome my family extended to them. And those students had a good, good time! We were late to Midnight Mass more than once because I couldn’t get them to leave the party, even though they were supposed to be singing in the church choir. Oops.
My CDP sisters and I having dinner, El Rio Grande, Newport KY
My religious community is also like my family. We didn’t exactly choose each other – we each chose this life and then sort of fell into it together – but we deepen our relationships with each other every time we gather for prayer or or conversation or just fun. Our common mission unites us, and we know that no matter where we are in the world, we belong to each other. And it’s not just about us either; we bring other people with us -– our friends and relatives, coworkers, Associates, neighbors. People think celibates don’t have an instinct toward family life, but I think we do. There’s something in us that seeks to bring people together, and we love them like family.
I never heard of chosen families until I learned about them from the students and staff at the LGBTQ+ Center at the University of Cincinnati, where I used to be in campus ministry. They told me about the people they gathered around them for the sake of support and community. Their chosen families celebrated together, grieved together, and supported each other. Whether they were born into families who accepted their sexual orientation and gender identity or not, their chosen families were very important to them. If you look around, there are people seeking out chosen families in other contexts too. Parish and church communities can be like that. Neighborhoods can be tightknit communities too. People with whom we work or volunteer or craft — they can all feel like our own people, like family. Chosen families don’t discount our families of origin; they widen our circles of love and belonging. And for people who don’t have close biological families or whose family dynamics are difficult, having a chosen family is a real necessity.
So, however we define them, our families are important to us, but they’re not necessarily easy. Neither chosen nor biological families are perfect. Even when people love each other deeply, we conflict with each other. There can be tension in relationships, incompatible personalities, miscommunications. Over the past several weeks, my podcast feed has been full of episodes from a variety of sources on topics like setting boundaries, how to find a chosen family, being true to yourself amidst others’ expectations, dealing with family fights, etcetera. It seems that a lot of us are struggling with all kinds of family dynamics, and we keep struggling, even when it’s hard. Why? Because our relationships are so important to us. We’re made for love and relationship, and I think most of us want to keep growing and trying to be our best selves in our relationships.
Even Jesus’s family wasn’t perfect. He came a family with a long lineage – recall that genealogy in the Gospel of Matthew. There’s a lot of begatting going on in the family tree of Jesus, and some of the people born into it were real characters. Also, Jesus grew up in a particular family in a particular time and place. We know some of the stories surrounding his birth, and things seemed to be going okay, even though raising the Savior of the World could not have been an easy task. There are moments, though, in the adult life of Jesus in which he sends his relatives packing and chooses instead to call his followers family. You may recall that his disciples were some of the scrappiest, most questionable people around (Mt 12:46). The Feast of the Holy Family is technically about Mary, Joseph, and Jesus, but I think it extends to his chosen family too. And the chosen family of Christ today is still full of some of the scrappiest, most questionable people there are! I’m looking at myself here — and I’m looking you. :)
The invitation of this feast of the Holy Family is to celebrate the family of Jesus as well as our own families — our biological and/or our chosen ones. We also lift up the wide family of God, the human family of which we’re all a part. Maybe we didn’t choose each other, but we belong to each other anyway, because God chose each one of us. May we all have a sense of the love and welcome that God has for each of us.
P.S. Of course, if you are looking for community, you’re welcome to come and belong at God Space! And if you want to learn more about becoming a sister or associate with the Sisters of Divine Providence, let me know.
For reflection:
For you, what makes a family a family?
Who is family for you — biological, communal, chosen? A combination or all of the above?
With whom do you feel the deepest sense of love and connection? Who really gets you?
When you struggle with your family, or struggle to feel a sense of connection, how do you work through that? Where is God in it?
Maybe you could take a moment to talk all of this over with God and see what God has to say to you.
By Sister Leslie Keener, CDP
Sister Leslie is the director of God Space, a community-building spirituality ministry in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky. She’s a Sister of Divine Providence with a Masters in Ministry and a Certificate in Spiritual Direction and Retreats from Creighton University. She directs retreats, meets with people for spiritual direction, and serves as the vocation director for her community. She also serves on the Board of Directors of Spiritual Directors International. She enjoys music, dancing, and holiday fun with family, sisters, and friends!