What Are You Looking For?

This Sunday’s readings tell us stories about call. In the First Reading, Samuel hears God call him in the night, and in the Gospel, Jesus invites two of John’s disciples to come with him, and they do. I appreciate these stories because God’s call is something I think about a lot, in my own life and in ministry as I walk with other people trying to figure out how God is calling them. You’d think, then, that I’d be good at discernment, wouldn’t you? But, alas, no. When I make decisions, I tend to waffle back and forth, wrestle, finally land, and then worry that I made the wrong decision. And that’s just over what to eat for breakfast. Just kidding about that last bit.

That’s why the question Jesus poses is so helpful to me. He asks, “What are you looking for?” That’s such a pivotal question when it comes to discernment; it gets right to the essence of things. What I’m looking for lets me know what’s important to me. What I’m looking for is also what I want, what I hope for. Asking what I’m looking for is a good place to start and also a question to come back to if things get entangled, as they often do. If I’m struggling to make a decision, it’s usually because I’m distracted by things that aren’t really about God’s call — scenarios of possible outcomes, other people’s expectations, worries and doubts. However, if I can stop and ask myself that question — really, what am I looking for? — I can get back to the heart of the matter.

When I was discerning my vocation, I don’t know if I asked myself that question directly, but I remember becoming aware of what I was looking for. During my college years, my relationship with God had become important to me, and by the time I graduated, I was looking for ways to put God at the center of my life. I sought that by volunteering for lots of different ministries at my parish. I became quite busy, actually. Although I was enjoying myself, and probably feeling a call to ministry that would manifest later, more parish involvement was not what I was looking for. Eventually, instead of seeking to bring God into my life, I began to look for ways to build a life that centered on God. I admit that when I first thought it might be religious life, my reaction was a distinct, “Oh no!” However, as I began to get to know sisters and explore what being a sister was like, I saw that religious community might be what I was looking for. Not only did I want a life centered on God, but I wanted to be surrounded by people who wanted that too. Religious life is that, in many ways. We don’t always do it perfectly, but we have the desire to center God in our lives, and that desire constantly pulls us back to God.

Speaking of the word “desire,” adding it into the mix is another way of asking the “What are you looking for?” question: In your heart of hearts, what do you desire? What do you want?

Desire kind of a bad rap. It tends to have a sexual connotation, but it’s also a very spiritual word. And, spiritual speaking, does looking at one’s desire seem selfish? Aren’t we supposed to deny what we want and serve other people? Or deny what we want and do God’s will? If we only see desire this way, we’re missing something. Desire is God’s way of letting us know what God wants for us. What God wants not only deeply satisfies us but also opens us to loving other people. When we genuinely follow God’s call, we are free and open and compassionate. Following a God desire actually moves us away from selfishness and toward genuine love of God, ourselves, and others.

So, figure out what you desire in the depths of your heart, and you know God’s call. It sounds so easy, right? But I could still spend a ton of time wrestling over a decision. Sometimes I become unsure about what God is calling me to, and I need someone to help me to get back in touch with the desire of my heart. That person has to be someone who knows me but is not attached to outcomes, someone with whom I can be free. When I look at our reading from First Samuel, that’s what I see: a mentor helping a young person learn how to hear God’s call. All through the night, Samuel hears a voice calling him, and he responds by waking Eli, over and over. After a long night, Eli realizes what’s happening and helps Samuel to know that it’s God calling him. Then he shows him how to respond. What a good spiritual companion.

It’s no accident that Samuel mistakes God’s voice for Eli’s. God often speaks to me through the voices of friends and mentors too. That’s what love sounds like to me, so it’s only natural that God sometimes sounds like the people I love. The other thing that touches me from this reading is how much we need others in the spiritual life. We’re just not meant to go it alone. There’s so much ambiguity and mystery that it’s important to walk with other people. People have some ambiguity and mystery too, no doubt, but at least we’re embodied, and so we can listen, share, embrace, and simply be present to each other. God often loves us, and calls us, through other people.

Given the readings this week, it seems like God is calling us to reflect on call. These are the questions that I’ll be posing to myself this week, and you’re welcome to join me in pondering them too:

• What are you looking for?

• Is what you’re looking for present in your life now? Does the life you’re living – your relationships, your work, your spiritual life, your community – reflect your desires? Is it want you want? If not, what do you need to change to bring your life into alignment with what you desire?

• Who in your life helps you to listen to God? Who helps you to know what you’re looking for?

By Sister Leslie Keener, CDP

Leslie is the director of God Space, a community-building spirituality ministry in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky. She’s a Sister of Divine Providence with a Masters in Ministry and a Certificate in Spiritual Direction and Retreats from Creighton University. She directs retreats, meets with people for spiritual direction, and serves as the vocation director for her community. She also serves on the Boards of Spiritual Directors International and Thomas More University. She enjoys music, dancing, and meaningful conversations.