Fear and Faith
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I resonate so deeply with this story about Jesus and the disciples in the boat with the storm raging around them. I feel their fear of the storm and their relief when it’s calm. Also, I take comfort that, even though he seems mildly annoyed with the disciples, Jesus calms the storm. He interprets their fear as a lack of faith, but he takes care of this own anyway.
I don’t know if you can relate to this, but when I’m in a space of uncertainty or difficulty or change, I feel like this. I feel disoriented, topsy-turvy, afraid, and vulnerable, not unlike being in a small boat with waves crashing around it and strong wind blowing. When I’m in a situation like this, I feel just as out of control as the disciples do on their boat.
It would be lovely if every time I find myself feeling like this, Jesus would show up and calm things down. Poof! Difficult situation over, all calm seas now. It usually doesn’t work that way, though. Things don’t just magically settle down. It usually takes a little work on my part to resolve things. Or sometimes there’s nothing to be done but wait out the storm, which takes patience and trust and acceptance. No further action required. That’s even harder, though! I’d much prefer having something to do than having to sit and wait. However, sometimes the growth I need happens when I’m living into the uncertainty and waiting it out. And although God might not work a miracle, God is certainly present. Living through it can actually move me closer to God.
A space of uncertainty or tumult can evoke fear in me, but I’m not sure that my fear necessarily means a lack of faith. I can believe in God’s love and care and still feel afraid. I can even take comfort in my faith in God, but that doesn’t drive the fear away entirely. I can hold both faith and fear at the same time. I know the boat won’t capsize and dump me out to drown in the sea, although that’s probably a possibility kicking around in my head. Even though I trust that God is with me, I might still be afraid of the waves and wind. Maybe that’s annoying to God, or maybe God understands that a little bit of fear is just with me sometimes.
I’ve come to see that fear and anxiety are my mind’s attempts to protect myself. There are times when fear has a lot to tell me, and I need to listen to it. When there’s danger, fear is there to warn me. The trouble is that sometimes it shows up when there’s no danger, when life feels dicey, but I’m actually safe. Or it comes when I don’t know if I’m safe or not – that uncertainty of the boat at sea with Jesus asleep in it. I’m learning to just let it be there, to not give into it while I keep moving forward. I can still do what I’m called to do and surrender to the movement of the spirit, even if I’m afraid.
That surrender takes some deep trust and faith. In my community, we call it Abandonment to Divine Providence. It’s a spiritual disposition and a practice that we try to enter into, during significant times and also in our daily lives. Trust is something that doesn’t come easily for me, even when it comes to trusting God. Even so, I’m growing bit by bit into this virtue of Abandonment to Providence.
Some years ago, I had a dream about surrendering, one of those vivid, meaningful dreams that helped me to surrender in real life. It felt a lot like our story of the disciples in the boat, and it happened during a time of significant uncertainty and change in my life. I dreamed that I was in a car with someone else. I’m not sure who the other person was, but they were driving, and I was in the passenger seat. Suddenly we weren’t on the road anymore — the car was in a river being swept on by the current. There I was in the passenger seat! Even if I had been in the driver’s seat, though, because of the strong current, I still would have no real control over where we were going. Suddenly, up ahead, I saw a waterfall. We were going to go over it if we kept heading in this direction. I felt a sense of utter panic. Passenger seat be damned, I leaned over across the other person and grabbed the steering wheel, as if that could help me take control. I realized that there was no control to be had in this situation. Even in the dream I thought, “I have no control over where we’re going, so I might as well enjoy the ride.” I let go, lifted my hands into the air, and surrendered as we went down over the waterfall. Then I woke up.
That dream was a gift. It helped me to surrender to what was happening in my life — all those things beyond my control. Times of uncertainty still feel like that to me, but I remember what it felt like to let go of the wheel and surrender to the freefall. Was it scary? Absolutely. Did I enjoy the ride? Yeah, I kind of did. And there was someone with me the whole time, sometimes driving, sometimes just allowing the ride to guide both of us.
The invitation I hear in all of this is to allow the fear if it’s there, but also to dig down into my faith. Fear is a feeling, and it will be there or not. Faith is an act of the will, an attitude, a choice. When life is uncertain, I’m not sure who’s steering, but if it’s not me in control, I won’t let fear take the wheel. And I know someone who loves me is with me for the journey, whether we’re moving through calm waters, choppy seas, or a wind-blown freefall. Thanks be to God.
For Reflection
When you’re in a space of tumult or uncertainty, how does it feel to you? How do you deal with it?
What helps you when you’re in that space? How is God with you?
Maybe you could take a little time to reflect with God about all of this and see what God has to say. Or, maybe just allow God to be with you.
By Sister Leslie Keener, CDP
Sister Leslie Keener, CDP is the director of God Space, a community-building spirituality ministry in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky. She’s a Sister of Divine Providence with a Masters in Ministry and a Certificate in Spiritual Direction and Retreats from Creighton University. She directs retreats, meets with people for spiritual direction, and serves as the vocation director for her community. She enjoys music, meaningful conversations, and dancing.